Well, it's been a very long time . . . by now it's almost two years since I've been active on dA.
Quite a lot has happened since then and there were some drastic changes in my life as to myself.
To put it bluntly, I 've been though heaven, the nine circles of hell and back again.
One day, I lived a wonderful dream, thinking I've had finally found salvation, only to awake in oblivion the next day and a nightmare I thought I'd never awake from.
At some points, I felt like I was radiating the joy of life itself and at some points I wanted to end it all to escape from purgatory (it was a close call).
Fortunately, my journey did not end in desperation and I found my way back to the surface again.
I certainly have changed during that time; life isn't a comfortable teacher, but you definately remember the lessons.
Howevery, along that path I found a precious gift too:
For more than a decade, I looked with envy at those who could take their visions out of their minds and capture them on paper.
I too had so many pictures in my head, wanted to capture them and make them come to life, but I couldn't.
Naturally, if the last time you held a pencil was more than 10 years ago, you start back there when you pick one up again - according results included.
I tired to compensate the urge with technology and picked up photography. It was a great experience, but it wasn't what I really wanted to do.
Unfortunately, with motivation scarce and support from friends and family basically non-existant, one can easily lose faith in the pursue of artistic crafts.
So, somewhere during that bleak episode of my life, I just picked up a pencil without thinking about it and picked up where I left off so long ago - I started drawing to keep my thoughts in check, to prevent me from overthinking and to occupy my mind from painting one possible dark future after another. If I had at one moment stopped and given my mind time to ponder about what I was doing, I'd have been lost again like so many times before.
However, I never did.
Things were slowly getting better again. I didn't need to prevent me from thinking any longer and could take an honest look at the stacks of paper I had clung to like a liferaft.
What I saw surprised me and even the worst of my inner critics admitted that he could see improvement.
The proof was there, I didn't just imagine it or had to convince myself:
I am able to draw.
And that's what I'm going to do